It’s December 28, Wednesday, and it looks as if you are finally on your way back to me after being off to visit your family during yet another Christmas holiday. I know you’ve said we’d get to spend some time together this go-round, but with Breaking Dawn promotion, and then having to keep up with that Summit-mandated shill of a fauxmance with the famewhore clinger, I have to admit I’ve been feeling a bit neglected as of late. Well, for the past three years anyways.
You promised me once Breaking Dawn filming was over, it would finally be our time to come out as a couple. After all, there’s not many secret girlfriends that will sit and wait patiently on the sidelines (more like down in the basement) while having to watch their boyfriend pine away publicly for some bitch who can hardly put two sentences together in front of the media. In fact, really, I am starting to feel a tad irritated. Here we have been, secretly together as boyfriend and girlfriend for nearly four years now, with a PROMISED commitment, yet you still manage to spend more time with “her.”
What does she have that I do not? Fame? Money? Taste in music? I told you I wouldn’t make you go to the Backstreet Boys / New Kids reunion tour if you didn’t want to, even if I could get the VIP/Backstage passes so you wouldn’t be seen.
According to so many, I am your ideal. Tall, blonde, and of course, so quiet about our relationship that even you seem to forget that I exist sometimes. I mean, really, you could have least sent me a card for Christmas, or is all of that luggage you are bringing home with you from London filled to the brim with sweet pressies for me from Harrods and other lovely London shops? After all, I spent loads of time on Rodeo Drive finding just the right designer presents to wrap and give to you under our tree. You know, the tree I decorated ALONE, after I had to watch you go off to London again ALONE after you’d already spent several weeks with her – living in the same apartment even -- to spend time with your family in London, who you’ve never even bothered introducing me to.
Heck, even miss “clinger” has met your parents on several occasions. And your sisters, and all of your friends, and even appeared in one friend’s music video. I’ve not even seen them. Is that what true love is? Hiding behind the scenes for year after year after year while having to watch your boyfriend take so much time to spend with another woman that he is supposed to hate because some decomposing Orc-born trolls don’t approve of her? What about ME??? You know, your SECRET GIRLFRIEND? They approve of ME, so shouldn’t I get the spotlight more? After all, I meet their criteria as the perfect girlfriend (tall, blonde and my name doesn’t rhyme with Tristen Blewart.) Oh, and I’ve been patiently waiting for you to finally recognize our relationship for MORE THAN THREE YEARS.
And it’s not just spending time with “her” on set that bothers me, or the kissing, or the on-screen cuddling, or the acting like you are in love and there is no one else in the world but this woman. I mean, you don’t even look at me in REAL LIFE the way you look at her on camera. And when you look at “her” off camera, it’s as if you are really IN LOVE with her as a person, and not just her character. And when you visit her on sets in other locations, and then she comes to visit you, and you spend both of your birthdays together (which I’ve NEVER gotten to do), and you spend most, if not ALL, of your non-set time with her, unless she is working, and she attends your movie premieres, and holds your hand in public, and holds your hand in the car and kisses and hugs you… when is it MY TURN? You know, ME – your secret girlfriend?
Can’t a girl catch a break? After so many years of pining away for you in our secret LA-based enclave, hoping beyond hope that I don’t have to open the tabloids and see another photo of you out with that girl, even if you weren’t smiling for the cameras or holding hands in public (wait, I thought this was for PR), don’t you think I deserve some small amount of attention? I mean, a wink from an awards show podium, or even some small acknowledgment that I exist????
I mean, really. I know you made that “she’s in LA” remark when asked where your girlfriend was, and you told that other reporter “that’s so ridiculous” when he asked if you could start calling “her” your girl now, but what about a nod in my direction? Why can’t you just say “My girlfriend is blonde,” or something like that, just to finally and absolutely give everyone PROOF that you were talking about me!
So, please. Now that I know you are on your way back…
HOLD ON. I just got a text from you…
@#($&@#%^^)^&@)&%&^!!!!!!!!!!
Wait a second!!! What do you mean you’re spending your New Year’s with HER!!!!???? You PROMISED!!! This was to be OUR YEAR, OUR TIME to finally come out as a couple TOGETHER!!!
But now you text and tell me that Summit is requiring you to hold on to your “other promotional considerations” clause and go out with HER so you can satisfy those bottom-trolling R’sten FANS????!!!!
Haven’t you cashed that paycheck already? Don’t I DESERVE some time now? Or, at least a little compensation for all of my patience and understanding. How long do you expect me to sit here and wait for all of this BS to be over? One more year, two years, more? It’s been THREE years already. I want to get married and have children (I mean, you said you wanted that, too), so when are you going to give up that clinger and acknowledge me?!!!!!
I’ve waited enough. And if you don’t do it soon, I certainly will. I may even plan some big pap drama just to stir the pot. Of course, the paps don’t know who I am, or what my name is, or that I even exist, and really if anyone knows ANYTHING in L.A., it’s the paps and gossip columns. That’s it! Maybe I’ll just sell my story to Ted, or go on the radio with Ryan Seacrest, or tell somebody SOMETHING, because THIS IS L.A. and secrets always end up in the media in L.A. – even if they really are “secrets.”
Until then, enjoy the clinger. I’ll still be waiting for you next year, after Breaking Dawn 2 promo is over, when we can finally, and I do mean FINALLY, come out officially as a couple.
Love,
Your ever-patient, figment of the ninnies imagination, secret BLONDE girlfriend.
P.S. Oh, and don’t bother with the Cosmopolis or Bel Ami premiere invitation. You know I won’t go anyway.
You promised me once Breaking Dawn filming was over, it would finally be our time to come out as a couple. After all, there’s not many secret girlfriends that will sit and wait patiently on the sidelines (more like down in the basement) while having to watch their boyfriend pine away publicly for some bitch who can hardly put two sentences together in front of the media. In fact, really, I am starting to feel a tad irritated. Here we have been, secretly together as boyfriend and girlfriend for nearly four years now, with a PROMISED commitment, yet you still manage to spend more time with “her.”
What does she have that I do not? Fame? Money? Taste in music? I told you I wouldn’t make you go to the Backstreet Boys / New Kids reunion tour if you didn’t want to, even if I could get the VIP/Backstage passes so you wouldn’t be seen.
According to so many, I am your ideal. Tall, blonde, and of course, so quiet about our relationship that even you seem to forget that I exist sometimes. I mean, really, you could have least sent me a card for Christmas, or is all of that luggage you are bringing home with you from London filled to the brim with sweet pressies for me from Harrods and other lovely London shops? After all, I spent loads of time on Rodeo Drive finding just the right designer presents to wrap and give to you under our tree. You know, the tree I decorated ALONE, after I had to watch you go off to London again ALONE after you’d already spent several weeks with her – living in the same apartment even -- to spend time with your family in London, who you’ve never even bothered introducing me to.
Heck, even miss “clinger” has met your parents on several occasions. And your sisters, and all of your friends, and even appeared in one friend’s music video. I’ve not even seen them. Is that what true love is? Hiding behind the scenes for year after year after year while having to watch your boyfriend take so much time to spend with another woman that he is supposed to hate because some decomposing Orc-born trolls don’t approve of her? What about ME??? You know, your SECRET GIRLFRIEND? They approve of ME, so shouldn’t I get the spotlight more? After all, I meet their criteria as the perfect girlfriend (tall, blonde and my name doesn’t rhyme with Tristen Blewart.) Oh, and I’ve been patiently waiting for you to finally recognize our relationship for MORE THAN THREE YEARS.
And it’s not just spending time with “her” on set that bothers me, or the kissing, or the on-screen cuddling, or the acting like you are in love and there is no one else in the world but this woman. I mean, you don’t even look at me in REAL LIFE the way you look at her on camera. And when you look at “her” off camera, it’s as if you are really IN LOVE with her as a person, and not just her character. And when you visit her on sets in other locations, and then she comes to visit you, and you spend both of your birthdays together (which I’ve NEVER gotten to do), and you spend most, if not ALL, of your non-set time with her, unless she is working, and she attends your movie premieres, and holds your hand in public, and holds your hand in the car and kisses and hugs you… when is it MY TURN? You know, ME – your secret girlfriend?
Can’t a girl catch a break? After so many years of pining away for you in our secret LA-based enclave, hoping beyond hope that I don’t have to open the tabloids and see another photo of you out with that girl, even if you weren’t smiling for the cameras or holding hands in public (wait, I thought this was for PR), don’t you think I deserve some small amount of attention? I mean, a wink from an awards show podium, or even some small acknowledgment that I exist????
I mean, really. I know you made that “she’s in LA” remark when asked where your girlfriend was, and you told that other reporter “that’s so ridiculous” when he asked if you could start calling “her” your girl now, but what about a nod in my direction? Why can’t you just say “My girlfriend is blonde,” or something like that, just to finally and absolutely give everyone PROOF that you were talking about me!
So, please. Now that I know you are on your way back…
HOLD ON. I just got a text from you…
@#($&@#%^^)^&@)&%&^!!!!!!!!!!
Wait a second!!! What do you mean you’re spending your New Year’s with HER!!!!???? You PROMISED!!! This was to be OUR YEAR, OUR TIME to finally come out as a couple TOGETHER!!!
But now you text and tell me that Summit is requiring you to hold on to your “other promotional considerations” clause and go out with HER so you can satisfy those bottom-trolling R’sten FANS????!!!!
Haven’t you cashed that paycheck already? Don’t I DESERVE some time now? Or, at least a little compensation for all of my patience and understanding. How long do you expect me to sit here and wait for all of this BS to be over? One more year, two years, more? It’s been THREE years already. I want to get married and have children (I mean, you said you wanted that, too), so when are you going to give up that clinger and acknowledge me?!!!!!
I’ve waited enough. And if you don’t do it soon, I certainly will. I may even plan some big pap drama just to stir the pot. Of course, the paps don’t know who I am, or what my name is, or that I even exist, and really if anyone knows ANYTHING in L.A., it’s the paps and gossip columns. That’s it! Maybe I’ll just sell my story to Ted, or go on the radio with Ryan Seacrest, or tell somebody SOMETHING, because THIS IS L.A. and secrets always end up in the media in L.A. – even if they really are “secrets.”
Until then, enjoy the clinger. I’ll still be waiting for you next year, after Breaking Dawn 2 promo is over, when we can finally, and I do mean FINALLY, come out officially as a couple.
Love,
Your ever-patient, figment of the ninnies imagination, secret BLONDE girlfriend.
P.S. Oh, and don’t bother with the Cosmopolis or Bel Ami premiere invitation. You know I won’t go anyway.
all i can say to this is- Bwhahahahaha- so awesome and so true in the nonnie imagined world!Great post girls! All of us living in reality know exaclty who Rob is going to show up with next and has nothing to do with PR or Summit!
ReplyDeleteThis has to be the best thing I've ever read. I was cracking up the whole time! Some people just live in another world and can't accept the reality.
ReplyDeletebwahahah, this was awesome. I'm calling "Mystery Blonde GF" "Basement Baby GF" from now on since you did a basement reference. That cheeky devil over at dlisted, michael k, calls Beyonces's younger sis solange basement baby cause of her second class status. Which works perfectly for poor mystery blonde gf! xoxo
ReplyDelete