Meltdown? What meltdown? There's no meltdown here.

Can you hear it? That pitiful wailing? It’s the sound of Orcs finally gone completely and unequivocally mad.  It’s what we call desperation, ladies and gentlemen; desperation resulting from the unprecedented meltdown of an entire side of the fandom. Now, we over in SanityLand knew this day would come. We were sitting back on the patio, legs kicked out in front of us, sipping on our martinis, just waiting for the day when the truth would indeed, will out. And out it has, from a most unexpected source.
For those who have managed to avoid any type of entertainment or social media over the past sixteen hours, here’s a brief refresher.

Yesterday, Kristen’s interview with the UK edition of Gentleman’s Quarterly was released, and in said interview, it was revealed that *gasp* Kristen and Rob are in a relationship (really?). In short, the reporter reported (because that is what journalists do, report) that Kristen said during the previous day’s photo shoot, “my boyfriend is English.” Now she didn’t say this to the reporter directly, but it was an off-handed comment that the reporter caught and reported upon (see above where I say that that’s what reporters do). When called on the carpet about it during the interview, she blanched, realized she’d been caught, and after discussing the merits and pitfalls of the computer age and google searches, said pointedly, “I mean, it’s like, come on guys, it’s so obvious.”

Yes, obvious. Obvious to the thousands of fans who have been able to see the mutual attraction between Rob and Kristen for over three years now.  Obvious to those who possess even an iota of common sense. Obvious to those who are able to think beyond the mere surface of things and see the truth behind people’s words and emotions. Obvious for those who understand why Kristen and Robert have remained so guarded in revealing things about their private lives. As Kristen reiterated to GQ “That’s mine! And I like to keep whatever is mind remaining that way.” This isn’t the first time she’s stated she doesn’t want to talk about it in order to not “feed the fiending.” (And yes, she was referring to BOTH sides of the fandom).

But that didn’t satisfy the ninnies. Their excuses flew at a rapid-fire pace. One would think the world had collapsed in on itself the way the ninnies were screeching on and on. And on.
That’s what happens when truth is confirmed and one’s entire belief system is set aflame.
Now, you would have thought the ninnies would have better prepared themselves for this day. Alas, they’ve ensconced themselves so tightly in the tiny Island of Denial, and have stood so solid in their position  that when push FINALLY came to shove, that there was nothing to do but suffer calamitous break-down.

But instead of dealing with things in a rational manner, the ninnies do what ninnies do best when faced with crisis, they hurled insult after insult at Kristen. Why? Because they are mad at Rob, and their expectations about him and who he is in their lives, were finally, and absolutely, shattered. Classic cognitive distortion.

Let’s break it down one-by-one, shall we?
“I’m just gonna pretend this didn’t happen.”Isn’t that what nonnies have been doing since, oh, circa April, 2009? That’s what we thought. Keep trying.

“GTFO! The entire world doesn’t want to know you. Just your psycho fans.” And you read the article because? Once again, you prove yourselves to be more OBSESSED – yes, we say OBSESSED, with Kristen, than with Rob himself. If you really don’t care, then DON’T FUCKING READ. Or, as Kristen herself would say “get off my dick.” As we’ve stated time and time again, no one is forcing you at gunpoint to read articles about her, or go see her movies, or have anything to do with her. YOU ARE MAKING THAT CHOICE BY YOURSELF (do the shouty caps help get that point across?) If you don’t want to know what she has to say, don’t read about it. But, if you really want to keep torturing yourself, go ahead. It makes for GREAT entertainment.

“GQ has joined the rest of the magazines that have sold out to make money.” Um. Hate to burst your bubble here, but what, exactly, do you think magazines are in business to do? Impart culture and wisdom upon the ignorant masses? Only if you are The New Yorker or The Economist, perhaps. The publishing industry is one of the most cutthroat industries there is. Circulation numbers are critical to survival, and one editorial misstep can mean not only a loss in advertising dollars, but loss in reputation, as well. And as more and more print publications are closing their doors due to burgeoning online presence (596 closures in 2009, according to MediaFinder), the industry faces excruciating pressure to make it work. If GQ is a sellout for putting Kristen on the cover, then Vanity Fair and Details are sellouts for putting Rob on theirs. Touché.

This goes back to “The List.” Remember “the List?” The interminable inventory of people, actors, directors, media folk, friends, artists, etc., who, because they like Kristen, or say something complimentary about Kristen, are automatically deemed unworthy and untouchable by the ninnie fandom? Get over yourselves. Next.

“I looked some stuff up and there is a long line of celebs who said they were misquoted in GQ.” That’s all you got? *snort*

“…if she had been preaching this shit from the get go MAYBE i’d buy it but to come in mid stream…sell it somewhere else sister. Not buying it here.” Remember Wyck Godfrey, Twilight saga producer? Remember what he said about the risk of having his two mains fall in love because if they were to break up during filming it could be detrimental to the filming process? Then why, in the name of Edward Cullen himself, would anyone want that confirmation while filming was still taking place? The “PR” truth, if there is to be one, is that Rob and Kristen were told, “don’t go there,” but they told the studio to fuck off. Then when the studio realized they couldn’t stop the inevitable, they said “go ahead, but just keep it on the downlow.”
So now we get a confirmation – AFTER FILMING IS OVER. In the rational world, this makes perfectly good sense.  Because in the rational world, where studios ARE IN BUSINESS to make money, they don’t want things to jeopardize their cash cow, and that means having the star attractions keep their private relationship on the DL so as not to interfere with the process. As we noted a few posts back, Rob and Kristen are the “Anti-PR.”

Were this a truly PR relationship, they’d be foisting it about like Kim Kardashian. They’re not. There’s a reason. Move on.

“WTF. She’s saying her teachers failed her? Poor, entitled baby. What a bitch!” If you would look at the quote again, she said the teachers didn’t want to work with her and her erratic schedule. Think about it. In an overly-crowded southern California public school, where teachers are already taxed to the max, it is not likely many really would be willing to step in and do more work for the benefit of a single pupil. It’s not a dig on the teachers per se, but on the system that creates an environment where they are grossly underpaid and overworked.

According to the National Center for Education Statistics, in 2007, approximately 1.5 million children were homeschooled in the United States. Children are homeschooled for a variety of reasons, including religious, cultural and based upon their geographical location to a school. For many parents, the traditional public education system is simply not good enough. Their parents want a broader education, or perhaps one where there is more religious guidance, or cultural input and/or emphasis on math and science.

The bottom line is, Kristen is not the first child – nor actor – for that matter, to be pulled out of an unsupportive public school system and taught at home.   

“Her English boyfriend is Marcus.”  *stutters speechless*

“Her boyfriend could be any English guy…” *facepalm*

“I still think she’s a lesbian.” ORLY? Please provide us PROOF of this assertion. Tomboy? Yes. But once again, ninnies are using a stereotype and forming it to fit some perception they have of a complete stranger. She dated Michael Arangano for close to four years. Was she a lesbian then? What, exactly, has she done to prove to you that she is a lesbian? Please see our last post where we clearly show that using “she’s a lesbian” as a means of cognitive dissonance is a reflection on your own latent homophobia, and is an insult to the entire homosexual population.

“Kristen can talk about her [sic] english boyfriend all day long but I can’t hear her over Rob going out to bars and clubs every night.” Have you not read the tweets, seen the reports? In each and every one of those he is either described as being “alone,” or with a group of guy friends. The Nonbert trolls at the AT boards may want you to THINK he is slutting himself around (and is that what you prefer for him?), but he is remaining chill, setting up a home and working in L.A. while Kristen is away filming. It is the way many couples have to deal (and not just in Hollywood), and it is how Robert and Kristen are dealing, too.
“If you look at the hashtags, it’s a lot of people talking about how awesome [sic] british guys are, or things that [sic] british guys do, or making fun of the interview, with a few sporadic posts about KStew.” Let’s talk about how trending topics work, especially those that are not associated with a specific event or product (e.g. #Iran, #DWTS, #iPhone5, #WorldCup). From BWAN’s Public Relations Guide for Dummies, Chapter 7: Social Media Hashtags that are more vague in nature start off because of one particular action or event. As the hashtag is spread, and more users pick up on it, the meaning itself changes based upon the comments of each individual tweet.

The fact that ninnies even need to speak to this is, in and of itself, proof of their utter desperation.
And finally, we THINK this is our favorite, but we just don’t know:

“…Objects are English. People are British. Gives new spin to *that* quote (that wasn’t actually a quote).” Please stop insulting us with your base level of education and show us where you got THAT rule. It doesn’t exist. There is no prescriptive grammar directive that relates “British” to people and “English” to things. It may be the way you view that from your experience, but we know plenty of English folk who prefer to remain just that, English. We also know people who are happily British and English. Ask any South American, or Mexican, whether or not they are American, and they’ll tell you “yes,” even though they are not a citizen of the United States.

It’s almost as good as comparing dListed’s Michael K to a “logical” member of the “media.” *cough sputter cough*

So, that, dearest BWANians, is just a quick overview of the hilarity that comes from the ninny mind, especially when it is in breakdown mode.
Now, if they would just crawl back into their fetid hole and stay there.