Bear Pattinson and the PR Pawn: A Furry Tale

Once upon a time, in the land of non, there was a dog named Bear there were two shelter dogs. The first dog was adopted by a beautiful, adorkable Prince named Robert. Robert was the fairest Prince in all of ninnidom, admired by all of his subjects for his dashing good looks, winsome smile and charming personality. He was also a kind-spirited soul; so kind, in fact, that while filming a movie, he saved a poor puppy from unthinkable harm. This puppy was named Bear.

Around the same time adorkable Prince Rob rescued the fair Bear, a second dog was adopted from the very same shelter. But instead of being whisked away to a life of unimaginable luxury, this second dog – which happens to look EXACTLY LIKE Bear -- was snatched up by an evil Rob-stealer named Kristen, a villainess so horrible and vile, ninnies created a website for the sole purpose of tearing her down. According to ninny lore, Kristen adopted this second dog to use as a mechanism of evil. Instead of living its life jet-setting from one movie set to another, this second dog is being used for the sole purpose of promulgating the supposed romantic relationship between Prince Rob and Kristen in order to sell a movie (or five).

This second dog was also named “Bear,” but it’s not the real Bear, it’s a fake “Bear,” (let's call it "Panda") just a mere pawn in the ongoing publicity scheme drawn up by the evil bastards at Summit, movie studio and all-around life ruiners.

The first Bear is living the life of luxury. All black and brown, with a muzzle as black as night, and cute….

Mole #539: WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! STOP!! What are you saying here, exactly?

Mole #3: What do you mean?

Mole #539: In this story? Are you trying to say that there is a SECOND dog, which looks exactly like the FIRST dog, and this second dog is being used as a PR pawn?

Mole #3: That’s exactly what I’m saying.

Mole #539: Where do you come up with this shit?

Mole #3: Where do you think? At nonsten, of course.

Mole #539: You mean to tell me that people actually believe that Kristen adopted ANOTHER dog – a dog which HAPPENS TO look exactly like Bear – for the sole purpose of public relations?

Mole #3: Yup.

Mole #539:You've lost me. How do they make that leap?

Mole #3: Well, apparently the first time “Bear” was caught on camera was when he was walking with Kristen’s assistant John (ninnies call him Toilet, by the way) on the set of Breaking Dawn. Since Rob wasn’t walking the dog, they automatically assumed it was another dog – NOT Bear, even though he fit how “Bear” had been described. Their theory is that by “planting” a second dog near and/or with Kristen, and her staff, then it creates the illusion that FauxBear is really Bear, when he’s really not, thereby making people believe that Rob and Kristen are “together,” when they’re really not.

Mole #539: That’s convoluted.

Mole #3: *blinks* Oh. There’s more.

Mole #539: More?

Mole #3: Sure. Remember when Kristen was in New York and was photographed leaving her hotel with a dog that had a “Bear” name tag on it?

Mole #539: Sure. That was Bear.

Mole #3: Not so fast. According to the ninnies, that was “FauxBear”, but Kristen just had a “Bear” name tag put on the dog so she could be seen papped with it, even though it’s not the real “Bear,” just the fake Bear, so people would believe that it’s really Rob’s dog, therefore reinforcing the Summit-driven agenda that Kristen and Rob are together in real life.

Mole #539: So, you’re telling me that Kristen took it upon herself to adopt an animal – one for which she’ll be responsible for the next 12-15 years – in order to push a conspiratorial public relations agenda about hers and Rob’s relationship?

Mole #3: Yes. But it’s Summit’s fault.

Mole #539: What is Summit’s fault?

Mole #3: FauxBear is Summit’s fault. They made her adopt him.

Mole #539: Oh, is this kind of like the way Summit paid another film studio and director to make arrangements for Kristen to visit Rob on the set of Cosmopolis, even though Cosmopolis has NOTHING to do with the Twilight franchise?

Mole #3: More or less, yes. Summit is the grand dictator of the world you know. They can even be blamed for the current financial crisis.

Mole #539: How so?

Mole #3: I don’t know, but I’m sure the ninnies will find a theory about that, as well.

Mole #539: So who was the dog Rob was seen with on the balcony while in Toronto, and the one he was seen walking in the park with the other day?

Mole #3: Oh, that was FauxBear. He was being walked for PR.

Mole #539: How do they know that?

Mole #3: They don’t really. They’re just keeping their options open.

Mole #539: Options open?

Mole #3: Yes. Construing a theory such as FauxBear allows them to hang on to the illusion that the truth that Rob and Kristen are really in a relationship together and that there is one and ONLY ONE Bear really doesn’t exist. The second dog theory gives them an out, makes them feel better about themselves.

Mole #539: So, how do they tell these two dogs apart?

Mole #3: Ears. They say FauxBear’s ears are too floppy to be part German Shepherd, which real Bear is. According to them, German Shepherd mixes should have ears that stick straight up.

Mole #539: But shepherds ARE BORN WITH floppy ears. They get straighter as the dog matures – about the six month mark.

Mole #3: You don’t say.

Mole #539: Any bit of research into the breed with tell you that. Where do they come up with these theories?

Mole #3: *stares blankly*

Mole #539: Nevermind. I really don’t want to know. So, if all of this is the case, then where is the original Bear?

Mole #3: No one knows. Rob is keeping him out of the view of the paparazzi. He’s parading FauxBear around to sell the relationship. The dog is a PR tool. And Rob and Kristen are just trying to “stick it to the fans,” on purpose, so it would seem. Apparently they have nothing else to do with their lives than play PR games with their fans.

Mole #539: So, they’re doing this on purpose?

Mole #3: According to the ninnies. Yes. Rob and Kristen are lying, manipulative assholes who sold their souls to Summit and are bankrolling millions of dollars by continuing to toy with fans’ emotions, giving up five years of their private lives to continue this ongoing charade. FauxBear is just the latest pawn in the game.

Mole #539: Does anything these people say make any sense at all?

Mole #3: *stares pointedly*

Mole #539: My brain is tired.

Mole #3: WOOF!

We’ll leave you with Rob’s own words:

“People think we have people organizing everything, that it’s a publicity stunt. It’s not.”